Mother Guilt

I recently recieved a note from my oldest child stating that I had destroyed both his Easter and Birthday because I grounded him to his room.  I am not sure how the destruction of said holidays correlates with his grounding but, okay.  He also used my Christian name.  I believed his exact words were, "You have destroyed both Easter and my birthday, Candice."  It is funny now, but at the time, I wondered what terrible mistake I had made as a mother to make my 9 year old write such a hateful note.  Then, about a day later, I remembered my 9 year old is a Drama King.  It still stings, but maybe nothing for me to feel guilty over.

Thats the thing about motherhood though, guilt is an emotion you are quickly introduced to.  I guess because, as mothers we want their lives to be pain free.  We want them to get good grades, make lots of friends.  We don't ever want bullies to be mean to them.  We don't ever want them to be bullies.  We want a perfect life for our children.  And when the inevitable happens, we feel guilty that we were unable to offer them perfection.  At least I do.

Other guilt ridden moments this week:
1. My Cael in an effort to make me feel better about not being "cuddly" as his dad said, "Its probably just because your not around as much."  Thanks Cael.
2. My school children, Jaden and Cael, both cried for me to homeschool them like last year because their teachers are "mean".  How quickly they forget how mean I was.
3. Owen, my 5 year, old asked me why we never eat dinner as a family? BECAUSE WE ARE NEVER HOME AND I HATE IT.

There are more, there are always more.  You would think after four kids, I'd be over it.


Jaden (Left) and Cael giving each other a hard time.



Moab and Rubbermaid Cribs

We went to Moab this week for the boys spring break.  We were supposed to go camping near home but the weather was so lousy, my husband decided last minute we should go to Moab.  It is crazy how beautiful it was there!! We had a completely great time, hiking and swimming and spending time together, which we don't get enough of. 

The only negative part was we forgot the portable crib for Toren.  No biggie, he can sleep on the floor.  Right.  After the first night of no sleep we went to ALCO, their variety store, as there is no Walmart in Moab.  We bought, I kid you not, a Rubbermaid container which was just about the size of a portable crib.  We were so looking forward to a good night sleep.  But then we got to wondering, what if the oxygen can't circulate well, afterall they must put slats in cribs for a reason.  So we had a huge rubbermaid container in the middle of the room and a one year old in our bed.  He tossed and turned, but slept a little more than the night before.  We returned the Rubbermaid the next day.  My 5 year old, Owen, said "Mom, if you didn't want to hear him cry, you just should have put the lid on."   The final night of our Moab trip, Toren slept with us again.  He actually slept pretty well, not that I did, he must be getting used to it.  I am hoping he goes back to his crib with no problem.  Because 3 sleepless nights is quite enough for me, thank you.  Not to mention, his inner beast is unleashed when he isn't rested.  Our sweet little man became "the most unpopular member of our family" as my husband put it. And I'm ready to have my sweet baby back. 

Unfinished Business

Today i woke up at 6, no wait, back up.  Last night i taught the kids class at my church and finally left, kids in tow, at 10pm.  i fed my kids Del Taco at 10pm.  Then i cleaned up, watched one episode of 30Rock and fell asleep on the couch.  i woke at 6am to give a bottle to my 11 month old, who still does not sleep more than 7 hours at time. i got Jaden and Cael up for school at 730, drove them to school at 8.  i came home, vacuumed, made doctors appointments for my sick in bed husband, did two loads of laundry.  i made lunch for Owen, fed Toren, took a shower and fixed my hair.  i helped Owen clear out a trashbag full of clothes that he does not wear and form a small volcano in his room.  i picked up my kids early from school at 230, took my husband to get a procedure at 3,  the same time i tried to attend a work meeting at the hospital.

So here i am at my staff meeting in the hospital, my poor husband alone upstairs in a procedure, and my poor kids sitting  alone in the education departement with Dr. Pepper and Rice Krispie Treats. i left my meeting early to rescue my kids and see my husband in recovery.  Drove everyone home at 530, picked up hubby's prescriptions on the way home, as well as diapars and baby food.  Ordered a pizza and watched American Idol with my family.

Things i did not do today..... offer my children healthy choices to eat, take the clothes from Owen's room to the Rescue Mission (i actually THREW them away), make any kind of dent in housework, pet my dogs, let my kids finish their school day, be there for my husband before his procedure, stay for all of my staff meeting, provide meaningful after school activities for my kids.  i did not get to have coffee with a friend that i never seem to find time for.  i did not get to visit my friend who just had her baby.

Hmmm, kind of makes me want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow.  Lucky i get to.

My First Blog

i am writing my first blog.  i realize i am hopping on the blogger train about 5 years later than a lot of my counterparts.  Better late than never.  i actually decided i need to write a blog so that when my children are grown they can read this and understand that being their momma is the best thing i have ever done.  My grouchiness is quite often present, thank God not usually contagious, and i hope outdone by my love for my kiddos.

So here it is, the grouchymomma blog.
i have four boys, ages 9, 8, 5 and almost 1.  They are spectactular, really.  i also have a job.   i am a psychiatric nurse.  This means i get to see the effects of bad parenting on a regular basis.  And, i am a pastor's wife, but i am definately not typical.  i don't put on tea parties or play the piano, though i wish i could do both.   i also frequently have so much on my mind that i find myself scowling.  Not pretty.

My 8 year old told me today that his dad is more cuddly than me.  i was genuinely offended.  What?  i am supposed to be cuddly, for goodness sake, i'm a freaking mother.  But okay, cuddly does not a good mother make, right?  AAAGGHH.  I love you Cael, whether I cuddle you or not.