Lights Out

Jaden Sleeping

So it is early Saturday morning and I am sitting at my church in my pajamas watching my children sleep. We are sleeping at the church because our power is out, has been out for over 48 hours now. The power in my house is out because two days ago we had hurricane strength winds in UTAH!! The power company has no idea when our power will be restored but "they are working very hard and around the clock to restore our power."

So this power outage has taught me a few things. One, I am very thankful to be living in the 21st century. I feel paralyzed without internet, cable, my cell phone charger, my hair-straightener...how..do..I..exist. Two, I have too much stuff. It is amazing the amount of things I have to trip over when I have no light to navigate around them. If I lived in a country without lights, I would own a much smaller house, and many less things. Three, I hate being cold. Technically I already knew this, but still. Four, I have forgotten the secret of being content.

Owen Sleeping

My children, on the other hand, know how to be content in all circumstances. Currently they are playing dodge ball with a water bottle in the church lobby. Content. They were excited to camp on the church floor. Content. They were giggling with wide-eyed wonder at getting dressed by candlelight. Content.

Meanwhile, I am sure I will be without power until I am 85. I am thinking of the clothes mildewing in my washer. I am thinking of all the money spent eating out because I can't cook at home. I am thinking of how horrendous my hair looks when it is air-dryed. I am thinking this power outage sucks.

So I was reading my Bible this morning and I came across Philippians 4:6-7.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Cael Sleeping

With thanksgiving, Lord, I thank you for my children who teach me everyday to be a better person. Lord, I thank you for teaching me to be content in all circumstances. Lord, I thank you that I have had electricity for 34 years and I will probably one day get it back.

I feel better already. A little frizzy-headed still, but better.

Cootie Invasion

I have not updated this blog in almost two months and there is a good reason for this.  Invasion.  Our family has been invaded by cooties.  I am not exagerating when I say that one or more of us has been sick since September.

Currently my husband has a fever, cough and congestion.  He has been in bed all day hacking away.  And anyone who has a husband can tell you, men get particularly grumpy when sick.  So he has been in bed, and I have been avoiding him, while my 5 year old coughs all over the hard surfaces of our home and my baby wipes his snotty, green nose all over the soft surfaces. Yes, that makes one half of the members of our household invaded by the crud.

Last month it was my three school age kiddos who caught the cooties.  They were vomiting with chills and body aches.  My 8 year old got sick as we were leaving in the van for our fall vacation. So we had 6 hours to travel in essentially a big incubator.  We stopped at Walmart and bought hand sanitizer, Lysol spray and surgical masks.   We made Cael don a mask and relegated him to the back seat.  With tears in his eyes and on the verge of vomiting he says to us, "I am humiliated."   But victory- no one else got sick- on the trip anyway.

Cael reenacting his humiliated face.

I am not fond of sickness.  It makes me irritable when my family is sick.  I get irritable because I can't control it.  No amount of hand-washing, hand-sanitizing, medication, isolation or good old-fashioned pleading with God seems to keep sickness away.  And when my kids are miserable, I feel powerless, which essentially I am.  All I can do is love em, hug em, spray em down with Lysol, hope for the best and thank God when its over.  Please God, can this be over soon?

Surprises in the Shower

I have friends who have no children.   Their house stays clean, no cheerios on the floor or toothpaste smeared on the counter. No chocolate fingerprints on the fridge.  I am quite sure they don't have dismembered action figures laying everywhere in their home. I am sure no one ever poops in their shower or throws up in their bed.

And it is not just cleanliness my childless friends enjoy.  They also enjoy a very flexible schedule.  Last year they whisked off to Germany on a moment's notice.  Barbados is on the agenda for this year.  They stay out late, if they want to.  Or go to bed early, if they want to. There are no football practices, ice skating lessons or choir concerts they must attend.  They have absolutely no homework to do.  They don't have to re-learn long division or the periodic table, not if they don't want to.  Nope.  My childless friends can do whatever they want, whenever they want.

I know their home is more peaceful, too.  No crying babies or screaming toddlers.  No sibling arguments over who sat in the front last time.  No pillow fights, food fights or fist fights.  No children crying because their brother shot their arm with a BB gun.

Frankly, I am a little envious of my friends.

However.  My childless friends do not get opened mouth kisses from a 16 month old.  They don't have a five year old to say, "I just love you so much mommy". They don't get to say bedtime prayers with little boys who have giant faith. My friends don't have anyone crawling on their lap for a story. My childless friends will never know the fulfillment and wonder that children bring.

Shower Surprise Culprit- Toren

And they probably don't want to.  But I  do. And if poop in my shower and long division are the price I have to pay, I will pay it gladly.

Dear Kindergarten Teacher

My Owen started Kindergarten yesterday.  I had to complete a form which aimed to help his teacher learn a little bit more about her students.  General questions were included; questions about siblings and family structure, medications and allergies, et cetera.  The last question on the form was this, "Is there anything else that I should know about your child?"

Ummm, yeah! 

Dear Kindergarten Teacher,
You should know that I prayed for two years for God to give me a 3rd child before I became pregnant with Owen Scott.  You should know that Owen means Young Warrior and Scott is my father's name.
Also, you should know when he was born, the bones of Owen's head were overlapping and I was sick with worry until the neurologist told us the bones would return to a normal position with time.  And you should know that Owen had RSV when he was a baby.  The doctor said he was amazed that our little guy wasn't blue as hard as he was working to breathe,.  And you should know that I watched him breathe all day, everyday for the next week, wishing I could make it easier for him.

I also think you should know that Owen was an easy baby.  He hardly ever cried.  I mean, almost never.  He never hit the terrible twos.  He never hit the ferocious fours. Owen is my most easy-going child.  He can be a little shy at times, but generally he is filled with self-confidence.  He just has this understanding that he is divinely created and he is enough.

Oh, also, you should know that Owen tells me he loves me, unsolicited, at least 20 times each day and he gives me kisses and when he does he makes the "mwah" sound.  And last year Owen's brothers caught him talking to himself in his room one day but Owen said he was talking to Jesus.  When I asked him about this Owen said, "Yeah, mom, its because Jesus talks to me".

So basically, be careful with my little Owie.  He is wonderful, delightul, sweet and fragile. And he is mine.

Sincerely,
Owen's Mom

I am not entirely sure this is what Kindergarten teacher had in mind.  But she did ask.

Owen on his first day of Kindergarten

Important

This week I have soothed a crying baby, oh I don't know maybe a hundred times.  I have changed about 50 diapars.  I have done 10 loads of laundry. Well I have done them half way, as I never fold the clothes.  I take them out of the dryer and make a huge clean laundry pile.  But thats besides the point.  I have settled several sibbling squables. It felt like several hundred.  I have made dinner.  I have bought dinner at Del Taco.  I could go on. 

But the point is, I do the same sorts of things every week, every month, every year.  It is all rather routine, rather mundane. Sometimes I get frustrated with it all.  I have friends who are doing great things with their lives; missionaries to Africa and such.  And frankly, I am a little jealous. I want to do something important. 
I wonder if Mary ever felt that way.  I wonder if she was ever rocking a crying Baby Jesus thinking of all the things she couldn't do with a baby in tow. I wonder if she wiped the tears from his eyes when he skinned his knee and thought, "this is so not a big deal, I could be out saving the world."  Did the mother of our Savior ever feel her job was unimportant?  I hope not.
And so I am humbled.  Not that my children are perfect, or that I am as blessed as Mary, but I am humbled because God has given me the opportunity to raise world-changers. I know there are many great men and women who would not be so great if they did not have a mother to love and teach them, to care for and admonish them.
Next time I have to settle a dispute between siblings, I will remember that perhaps I am raising foreign ambassadors or diplomats.  Next time I am trying for the millionth time to teach my five year old his alphabet, I will remember that maybe I am raising a great scholar.  Next time I have a conversation with my 8 year old about faith, I will remember that I may be raising a great theologian.  Next time I have to rock my crying baby instead of taking part in an adult discussion, I will remember that one day my baby will grow up, and know that he is loved, and have the courage to change the world.

Sins of the Mothers

My kids are extraordinary.  They really are.  Each one of them is so different from the rest, such little individuals even from birth.  The credit I take in this is that I have not totally screwed them up.  Parenting is like that.  Bad parents scar you.  Good parents let you be who God made you to be. But the longer I parent them, the more I realize that my children do bear little scars, little character flaws and I am ashamed to admit they look remarkably like my own.

My oldest, Jaden, is a people pleaser.  He lives for the approval of others.  He dresses in a way that other people will like.  He won't allow himself to do things that he fears other people will laugh at.  If you tell him you liked the way he did something, he will do it that way again and again and again. I wish I could convince him that his value is intrinsic.  He is a worthwhile, fantastic 10 year old because HE is Jaden Delon.  But I remember when I was  trying, striving to do anything that would increase my value in the eyes of others. I remember starving myself because I was sure that being skinny would increase my net-worth.

Cael worries. A lot.  He is sure the world's end is just around the corner. Cael, like his mother before him, is under the assumption that if he worries enough about a situation then he can control it. This hypothesis has never proved itself to be true but we worry none the less. I remember when he was 6 he had a fixed lymph node on his groin.  We went to get it x-rayed, just in case.  I was secretly holding my breath while assuring Cael it was no big deal.  When the doctor told us the news, that it was JUST a fixed lymph node, Cael exhaled. "So, does this mean that I don't have cancer.  Because that is what I am really worried about."  Aaagghhh! Now I have another reason to worry.  Now I worry that my son worries to much. 

Owen is his father's child.  Strengths, faults, so far those are all Matt. For example as a little boy Matt hit his dad over the head with a 2 by 4.  And last week Owen swung at his brother with an axe. His father's child.  But I am sure as he grows more, I will see things about him that I hate about me.

Toren's biggest fault right now is that he bites people.  Mom, dad, brothers, little girls in the church nursery.  I am very relieved to say neither my husband nor I  bite people so that is all baby Toren.

My biggest prayer for my kids is that God will redeem those traits that will cause them pain.  I pray that Jaden will learn his value before he allows what others think to change him. I pray that Cael will learn to lose the illusion of control and just trust God before the cares of this world choke him out.  I pray that Owen will control his temper before he hurts someone with an axe or with his words.  I pray that Toren will stop biting before he gets kicked out of the nursery.
Amen

Air Guitars and McDreamy

I am  sitting on the couch with my three older boys literally jumping around on it.  They are singing songs that they have written.  They think they are in a music video, air guitars, dance moves and all. 

I am missing my husband tonight.  He is away on a business trip, he goes away about once a month for a week or so.  Every time he goes away I become all sentimental and chick-flick-cheesy, missing him. I have known Matt since I was 13 years old.   I met him in my middle school sunday school class at church.  From the first time I met him he represented everything I needed, wanted, had to have.  He was warm, he was unbridled, he was ridiculously fun. 

He still is all these things.   He is also stubborn.  He gets tunnel vision.  He does not put his dirty clothes in the hamper.  And he sometimes forgets to feed the boys, which must relate to his tunnel vision.

I love Matt, all of him, even the parts that infuriate me.  Because he is my McDreamy.  Yes, I did just make a reference to Grey's Anatomy.  I know it's not a terribly intelligent reference, but appropriate none the less.  Matt just IS love to me.

So as I am getting ready to tuck the boys into bed, my mind is really hundreds of miles away.  I am anxiously awaiting Matt's call with a little Snow Patrol running through my head. I almost feel an air guitar coming on.  Cue the music.

If I lay here...

If I just lay here....

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?



Matt



Roses in December

We celebrated two birthdays in our family this week.  My youngest, Toren, turned one.  And my oldest, Jaden, turned 10.  I feel like I am going to cry even as I write this.  How can I have a 10 year old?  He is closer to going to college, than he is to being born.  Wow.  If you don't believe time flies, try having a child.

We started the celebration with a Crazy Dinner.  I gave everything on the menu an odd name.  For example, spaghetti noodles were called "Silly String", alfredo sauce was "Butter Britches", lemonade was "Egypts Pride" (did you know it originated in Egypt?) and forks were "Little Presents".  All in all there were about 20 items and each person could only choose five.  Since you didn't know what you were ordering the plates were quite unique.  Only about 5 of the 13 of us got forks.  My sister in law got two salad dressings, marinara sauce, olives and a meatball.  Jaden got olives, alfredo sauce, lettuce, lemonade and a fork.  It was a lot of fun. And we did really get to eat after we ate our Crazy plates.

 Then we did birthday cakes!  Toren raised his hands in the air everytime he took a bite of cake, indicating it was time for the rest of us to cheer.  He also fingerpainted on his dad and brothers with the icing.  Jaden helped me make an NFL cake that the rest of us ate.  He got all his candles out in one blow.  

           

I am glad my children are not cognizant of how quickly the years pass.  They are just busy having fun, busy being a kid. This week Toren is busy walking.  Owen is busy playing Wii, and watching Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and riding his bike with training wheels. Cael is busy working in the yard so he can earn money for a sheriff set he found at the store.  And Jaden is busy playing legos and looking at his football cards, anxiously awaiting next school year when he will get a locker.

Me, I am busy trying to enjoy it all.  I heard a quote once that I fell in love with.   It says, "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."  Thank you Lord for all my roses.

Mother Guilt

I recently recieved a note from my oldest child stating that I had destroyed both his Easter and Birthday because I grounded him to his room.  I am not sure how the destruction of said holidays correlates with his grounding but, okay.  He also used my Christian name.  I believed his exact words were, "You have destroyed both Easter and my birthday, Candice."  It is funny now, but at the time, I wondered what terrible mistake I had made as a mother to make my 9 year old write such a hateful note.  Then, about a day later, I remembered my 9 year old is a Drama King.  It still stings, but maybe nothing for me to feel guilty over.

Thats the thing about motherhood though, guilt is an emotion you are quickly introduced to.  I guess because, as mothers we want their lives to be pain free.  We want them to get good grades, make lots of friends.  We don't ever want bullies to be mean to them.  We don't ever want them to be bullies.  We want a perfect life for our children.  And when the inevitable happens, we feel guilty that we were unable to offer them perfection.  At least I do.

Other guilt ridden moments this week:
1. My Cael in an effort to make me feel better about not being "cuddly" as his dad said, "Its probably just because your not around as much."  Thanks Cael.
2. My school children, Jaden and Cael, both cried for me to homeschool them like last year because their teachers are "mean".  How quickly they forget how mean I was.
3. Owen, my 5 year, old asked me why we never eat dinner as a family? BECAUSE WE ARE NEVER HOME AND I HATE IT.

There are more, there are always more.  You would think after four kids, I'd be over it.


Jaden (Left) and Cael giving each other a hard time.



Moab and Rubbermaid Cribs

We went to Moab this week for the boys spring break.  We were supposed to go camping near home but the weather was so lousy, my husband decided last minute we should go to Moab.  It is crazy how beautiful it was there!! We had a completely great time, hiking and swimming and spending time together, which we don't get enough of. 

The only negative part was we forgot the portable crib for Toren.  No biggie, he can sleep on the floor.  Right.  After the first night of no sleep we went to ALCO, their variety store, as there is no Walmart in Moab.  We bought, I kid you not, a Rubbermaid container which was just about the size of a portable crib.  We were so looking forward to a good night sleep.  But then we got to wondering, what if the oxygen can't circulate well, afterall they must put slats in cribs for a reason.  So we had a huge rubbermaid container in the middle of the room and a one year old in our bed.  He tossed and turned, but slept a little more than the night before.  We returned the Rubbermaid the next day.  My 5 year old, Owen, said "Mom, if you didn't want to hear him cry, you just should have put the lid on."   The final night of our Moab trip, Toren slept with us again.  He actually slept pretty well, not that I did, he must be getting used to it.  I am hoping he goes back to his crib with no problem.  Because 3 sleepless nights is quite enough for me, thank you.  Not to mention, his inner beast is unleashed when he isn't rested.  Our sweet little man became "the most unpopular member of our family" as my husband put it. And I'm ready to have my sweet baby back. 

Unfinished Business

Today i woke up at 6, no wait, back up.  Last night i taught the kids class at my church and finally left, kids in tow, at 10pm.  i fed my kids Del Taco at 10pm.  Then i cleaned up, watched one episode of 30Rock and fell asleep on the couch.  i woke at 6am to give a bottle to my 11 month old, who still does not sleep more than 7 hours at time. i got Jaden and Cael up for school at 730, drove them to school at 8.  i came home, vacuumed, made doctors appointments for my sick in bed husband, did two loads of laundry.  i made lunch for Owen, fed Toren, took a shower and fixed my hair.  i helped Owen clear out a trashbag full of clothes that he does not wear and form a small volcano in his room.  i picked up my kids early from school at 230, took my husband to get a procedure at 3,  the same time i tried to attend a work meeting at the hospital.

So here i am at my staff meeting in the hospital, my poor husband alone upstairs in a procedure, and my poor kids sitting  alone in the education departement with Dr. Pepper and Rice Krispie Treats. i left my meeting early to rescue my kids and see my husband in recovery.  Drove everyone home at 530, picked up hubby's prescriptions on the way home, as well as diapars and baby food.  Ordered a pizza and watched American Idol with my family.

Things i did not do today..... offer my children healthy choices to eat, take the clothes from Owen's room to the Rescue Mission (i actually THREW them away), make any kind of dent in housework, pet my dogs, let my kids finish their school day, be there for my husband before his procedure, stay for all of my staff meeting, provide meaningful after school activities for my kids.  i did not get to have coffee with a friend that i never seem to find time for.  i did not get to visit my friend who just had her baby.

Hmmm, kind of makes me want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow.  Lucky i get to.

My First Blog

i am writing my first blog.  i realize i am hopping on the blogger train about 5 years later than a lot of my counterparts.  Better late than never.  i actually decided i need to write a blog so that when my children are grown they can read this and understand that being their momma is the best thing i have ever done.  My grouchiness is quite often present, thank God not usually contagious, and i hope outdone by my love for my kiddos.

So here it is, the grouchymomma blog.
i have four boys, ages 9, 8, 5 and almost 1.  They are spectactular, really.  i also have a job.   i am a psychiatric nurse.  This means i get to see the effects of bad parenting on a regular basis.  And, i am a pastor's wife, but i am definately not typical.  i don't put on tea parties or play the piano, though i wish i could do both.   i also frequently have so much on my mind that i find myself scowling.  Not pretty.

My 8 year old told me today that his dad is more cuddly than me.  i was genuinely offended.  What?  i am supposed to be cuddly, for goodness sake, i'm a freaking mother.  But okay, cuddly does not a good mother make, right?  AAAGGHH.  I love you Cael, whether I cuddle you or not.