Sins of the Mothers

My kids are extraordinary.  They really are.  Each one of them is so different from the rest, such little individuals even from birth.  The credit I take in this is that I have not totally screwed them up.  Parenting is like that.  Bad parents scar you.  Good parents let you be who God made you to be. But the longer I parent them, the more I realize that my children do bear little scars, little character flaws and I am ashamed to admit they look remarkably like my own.

My oldest, Jaden, is a people pleaser.  He lives for the approval of others.  He dresses in a way that other people will like.  He won't allow himself to do things that he fears other people will laugh at.  If you tell him you liked the way he did something, he will do it that way again and again and again. I wish I could convince him that his value is intrinsic.  He is a worthwhile, fantastic 10 year old because HE is Jaden Delon.  But I remember when I was  trying, striving to do anything that would increase my value in the eyes of others. I remember starving myself because I was sure that being skinny would increase my net-worth.

Cael worries. A lot.  He is sure the world's end is just around the corner. Cael, like his mother before him, is under the assumption that if he worries enough about a situation then he can control it. This hypothesis has never proved itself to be true but we worry none the less. I remember when he was 6 he had a fixed lymph node on his groin.  We went to get it x-rayed, just in case.  I was secretly holding my breath while assuring Cael it was no big deal.  When the doctor told us the news, that it was JUST a fixed lymph node, Cael exhaled. "So, does this mean that I don't have cancer.  Because that is what I am really worried about."  Aaagghhh! Now I have another reason to worry.  Now I worry that my son worries to much. 

Owen is his father's child.  Strengths, faults, so far those are all Matt. For example as a little boy Matt hit his dad over the head with a 2 by 4.  And last week Owen swung at his brother with an axe. His father's child.  But I am sure as he grows more, I will see things about him that I hate about me.

Toren's biggest fault right now is that he bites people.  Mom, dad, brothers, little girls in the church nursery.  I am very relieved to say neither my husband nor I  bite people so that is all baby Toren.

My biggest prayer for my kids is that God will redeem those traits that will cause them pain.  I pray that Jaden will learn his value before he allows what others think to change him. I pray that Cael will learn to lose the illusion of control and just trust God before the cares of this world choke him out.  I pray that Owen will control his temper before he hurts someone with an axe or with his words.  I pray that Toren will stop biting before he gets kicked out of the nursery.
Amen

Air Guitars and McDreamy

I am  sitting on the couch with my three older boys literally jumping around on it.  They are singing songs that they have written.  They think they are in a music video, air guitars, dance moves and all. 

I am missing my husband tonight.  He is away on a business trip, he goes away about once a month for a week or so.  Every time he goes away I become all sentimental and chick-flick-cheesy, missing him. I have known Matt since I was 13 years old.   I met him in my middle school sunday school class at church.  From the first time I met him he represented everything I needed, wanted, had to have.  He was warm, he was unbridled, he was ridiculously fun. 

He still is all these things.   He is also stubborn.  He gets tunnel vision.  He does not put his dirty clothes in the hamper.  And he sometimes forgets to feed the boys, which must relate to his tunnel vision.

I love Matt, all of him, even the parts that infuriate me.  Because he is my McDreamy.  Yes, I did just make a reference to Grey's Anatomy.  I know it's not a terribly intelligent reference, but appropriate none the less.  Matt just IS love to me.

So as I am getting ready to tuck the boys into bed, my mind is really hundreds of miles away.  I am anxiously awaiting Matt's call with a little Snow Patrol running through my head. I almost feel an air guitar coming on.  Cue the music.

If I lay here...

If I just lay here....

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?



Matt



If I lay here...
If I just lay here....
Will you lie with me,
And just forget the world?
This song is for my husband, who is extraordinarily busy and who cares about so many people.



The boy only wanting to give mother something,
And all of her roses had bloomed.

Looking at him as he came rushing in,
knowing her roses were doomed.

All she could see were some thorns buried deep,
And tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.

And she knew it was love, it was what she could understand.
He was showing his love and that's how he hurt his hands.




I dont always get it right
I'd see it in a different kind of light

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

Roses in December

We celebrated two birthdays in our family this week.  My youngest, Toren, turned one.  And my oldest, Jaden, turned 10.  I feel like I am going to cry even as I write this.  How can I have a 10 year old?  He is closer to going to college, than he is to being born.  Wow.  If you don't believe time flies, try having a child.

We started the celebration with a Crazy Dinner.  I gave everything on the menu an odd name.  For example, spaghetti noodles were called "Silly String", alfredo sauce was "Butter Britches", lemonade was "Egypts Pride" (did you know it originated in Egypt?) and forks were "Little Presents".  All in all there were about 20 items and each person could only choose five.  Since you didn't know what you were ordering the plates were quite unique.  Only about 5 of the 13 of us got forks.  My sister in law got two salad dressings, marinara sauce, olives and a meatball.  Jaden got olives, alfredo sauce, lettuce, lemonade and a fork.  It was a lot of fun. And we did really get to eat after we ate our Crazy plates.

 Then we did birthday cakes!  Toren raised his hands in the air everytime he took a bite of cake, indicating it was time for the rest of us to cheer.  He also fingerpainted on his dad and brothers with the icing.  Jaden helped me make an NFL cake that the rest of us ate.  He got all his candles out in one blow.  

           

I am glad my children are not cognizant of how quickly the years pass.  They are just busy having fun, busy being a kid. This week Toren is busy walking.  Owen is busy playing Wii, and watching Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and riding his bike with training wheels. Cael is busy working in the yard so he can earn money for a sheriff set he found at the store.  And Jaden is busy playing legos and looking at his football cards, anxiously awaiting next school year when he will get a locker.

Me, I am busy trying to enjoy it all.  I heard a quote once that I fell in love with.   It says, "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."  Thank you Lord for all my roses.

Mother Guilt

I recently recieved a note from my oldest child stating that I had destroyed both his Easter and Birthday because I grounded him to his room.  I am not sure how the destruction of said holidays correlates with his grounding but, okay.  He also used my Christian name.  I believed his exact words were, "You have destroyed both Easter and my birthday, Candice."  It is funny now, but at the time, I wondered what terrible mistake I had made as a mother to make my 9 year old write such a hateful note.  Then, about a day later, I remembered my 9 year old is a Drama King.  It still stings, but maybe nothing for me to feel guilty over.

Thats the thing about motherhood though, guilt is an emotion you are quickly introduced to.  I guess because, as mothers we want their lives to be pain free.  We want them to get good grades, make lots of friends.  We don't ever want bullies to be mean to them.  We don't ever want them to be bullies.  We want a perfect life for our children.  And when the inevitable happens, we feel guilty that we were unable to offer them perfection.  At least I do.

Other guilt ridden moments this week:
1. My Cael in an effort to make me feel better about not being "cuddly" as his dad said, "Its probably just because your not around as much."  Thanks Cael.
2. My school children, Jaden and Cael, both cried for me to homeschool them like last year because their teachers are "mean".  How quickly they forget how mean I was.
3. Owen, my 5 year, old asked me why we never eat dinner as a family? BECAUSE WE ARE NEVER HOME AND I HATE IT.

There are more, there are always more.  You would think after four kids, I'd be over it.


Jaden (Left) and Cael giving each other a hard time.



Moab and Rubbermaid Cribs

We went to Moab this week for the boys spring break.  We were supposed to go camping near home but the weather was so lousy, my husband decided last minute we should go to Moab.  It is crazy how beautiful it was there!! We had a completely great time, hiking and swimming and spending time together, which we don't get enough of. 

The only negative part was we forgot the portable crib for Toren.  No biggie, he can sleep on the floor.  Right.  After the first night of no sleep we went to ALCO, their variety store, as there is no Walmart in Moab.  We bought, I kid you not, a Rubbermaid container which was just about the size of a portable crib.  We were so looking forward to a good night sleep.  But then we got to wondering, what if the oxygen can't circulate well, afterall they must put slats in cribs for a reason.  So we had a huge rubbermaid container in the middle of the room and a one year old in our bed.  He tossed and turned, but slept a little more than the night before.  We returned the Rubbermaid the next day.  My 5 year old, Owen, said "Mom, if you didn't want to hear him cry, you just should have put the lid on."   The final night of our Moab trip, Toren slept with us again.  He actually slept pretty well, not that I did, he must be getting used to it.  I am hoping he goes back to his crib with no problem.  Because 3 sleepless nights is quite enough for me, thank you.  Not to mention, his inner beast is unleashed when he isn't rested.  Our sweet little man became "the most unpopular member of our family" as my husband put it. And I'm ready to have my sweet baby back. 

Moab