Cheese and Crackers

I wrote the following about 6 months ago and just found it today.  Still working on the whole contentment thing.  But we did pull Toren out of preschool, so there's that.

I am sitting next to the cutest little four-year-old you could possibly imagine.  We are watching Wallace and Gromit- my boy’s choice. Wallace and Gromit is comprised of some claymation figures- an English man and a dog who is constantly annoyed at the English man.  Wallace and his dog decide they need some more cheese to go with their crackers, so of course they build a clay rocket to the moon because “everyone knows the moon is made of cheese.”  I have watched this show countless times and it is the worst show I have ever seen. But Toren loves it. I’m not sure why.  He can quote every word.

Anyway, I am sitting here watching Wallace and Gromit with sweet, sweaty boy and I feel purely blissful. I wish I could always be so content.

I have not been content this week.

Here is a list of things that had me flustered beyond reason in the last 7 days.

1.              Toren screams every time I drop him off at preschool.  For a month straight.  Every time. My precious child acts like a monster.  The terrible little snotty nosed monster you want to smack at the grocery store when he is screaming at the top of his lungs and hitting his mom.  That’s my kid. Once a day. For a month straight.

2.             My kids fight, all the time.  No really. All the time.

3.              Okay, I guess there really isn’t that much that I was unreasonably anguished over.  There was just an unreasonable amount of anguishing.

“Crackers, Gromit, we forgot the crackers!”  How could they eat the cheese on the moon without crackers?  Do you see how stupid this show is?

I don’t know how to keep this peace that I feel now in my heart when things are not going my way. There are only rare moments that you get to spend watching clay figures speak in English accents while cuddling your boy.  Most of life is a lot more furious than that.  Most of life is fast and inconvenient.  And the moon is never really made of cheese when you need it to be.

So how can I sew contentment into the fabric of every moment?

Fifteen Years

I have been married for 15 years today.  15 years to the same man.  When thinking about this day, December 17, I can't help but reminisce on all the past anniversaries we have shared.  Last year we went to a hotel in Salt Lake City and to a really expensive restaurant.  Then we went back to the room, drank a bottle of wine and watched TV.  (My kids are going to read this).  6 years ago, Matt had just gotten out of the hospital, just diagnosed with a kidney disease.  It was a somber one, but we went out anyway.  We went to the movies and then called it a night.  4 years ago when our anniversary rolled around we had been fighting, constantly, for like 3 months.  And my husband bought me the most beautiful anniversary ring.  I still wear it everyday.   When he gave it to me he said, "I know we've been fighting.  But I love you.  It's going to be alright."

Love is like that.  There are hard times.  Sometimes it seems like there are more hard times that carefree ones.  There are sicknesses, and financial hardships. There are fights and anxieties and depression.  There are busy times, business trips, and nights spent working late.   There are disagreements over just about anything.  There are personality conflicts, pet peeves, little annoyances, and nagging.   I can remember one time I hung up some of Matt's pants, and I didn't do it very neatly.  I was in a hurry and I didn't even hang up my own jeans -who hangs up their jeans?- but here I was hanging up my husbands.  I had two toddlers pulling on my leg and a million other things to do. Getting the creases just right was not on the top of my priority list.  Matt comes home, sees the wrinkles in his clothes and says, "If you're going to do laundry, you should do it right."  I didn't do his laundry for about a month.  And then he apologized and I minded my creases from there on out.

Love is about forgiveness and forbearance. On our wedding day so long ago, I could not imagine a day when I would not like my husband.  He was my Prince Charming.  He was handsome and funny and smart and boisterous and all around amazing. He brought so much laughter into my existence, I was sure ours would be the love story for the ages.  Never a fight, except about who loved the other one more.  Never a dull moment.  Never time spent apart- how could we bear it?  If you have just been married, you might relate.  If you have been married for any length of time you are laughing right now.  Because that is not real love.  That is a hologram of what real love is.  Real love says, I know your faults, I have shown you mine.  I will not leave you, I will not shut you out.  I will humble myself again, and again, and again.  When my pride wants to protect my heart, I will freely give it to you. When you hurt me, I will forgive you, no matter how hard it might be.  When I hurt you, I will try to do better.  I will stay when everyone else leaves.

I love my husband.  He is not Prince Charming but he is a wonderful man and he is mine.  I could not imagine a more incredible person to spend my days and nights with.  When he is gone, I miss him, most of the time.  I wouldn't want to fight with anyone else.  There is no one else who knows all my insecurities.  There is no other person I want to share the ups and downs of life with.  So on this, our 15th wedding anniversary, I want to toast to 60 more, or however long we have.  From this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.  I love you Matt.

Puberty and Shrek Sized Insecurities

My oldest son, Jaden, recently attended his 5th grade maturation class.  For those of you who don't know, this is the class where public schools separate the boys and the girls, sit them in a awkward room, show a cheesy video on the birds and the bees and talk about what to expect during puberty.  My son was mortified.  He brought home the pamphlet that was given to him, "Mom" he said "you would not BELIEVE how many times the teacher said the word penis."  I know we are just talking body parts here, but there is a large part of me that is glad my 11 year old is uncomfortable discussing them.

Jaden, insecurity free, on a family trip.

My son also asked me a question that got me thinking, and thus is the reason for this post.  "Mom, the pamphlet says during puberty you can have in increase in insecurities.  Does that mean you worry about what people think about you and stuff? Because I do that."  And that's when it hit me.  I must be going through puberty...still.  Because I worry about what people think about me and stuff, a lot.

I had an encounter with a third grader this year that revealed just how much I care what other people think.  I helped out in my 3rd graders PE class this year and one of Cael's friends was very disrespectful to me.  Because of this, I did not allow my son to invite the boy to his birthday party.  Unfortunately, the boy found this out.  He then began his four month long tantrum where he called me a long list of 3rd grader insults. Every day he would tell Cael and Cael's other friends what he thought of me.   I was evil, mean, fat.  I had dragon teeth.  I was stupid. And the worst one;  I was as ugly as Shrek.   Really? Shrek?  I think I at least deserved Fiona.  The point is I really cared what this third grade boy, whom I had had one conversation with, thought about me.  Even though I don't like him, I wanted him to like me; needed him to like me.

I think to some degree we can all relate.  We want to be liked.  That's not a bad thing in and of itself.  But when the desire to be liked becomes bigger than our desire to please God, we have a problem.  When what others think of us becomes more important that what we think of ourselves or what our Lord thinks of us, we have a problem. And the answer is simple, though not easy.  We need to remember that we have inherent worth.

• You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well Psalm 139:13-15

•  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Luke 12:7

•  I have loved you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3 

God created us, He knows us, He loves us.  God; creator of the universe, holds everything together, that God, He created me.  God; who knows more about DNA, astronomy and physics than any scientist that ever was, that God, He knows me.  God; who IS love, who created the very idea of love, that God, He loves me. When I realize these truths, it puts my insecurities into perspective.

So my job is to remind myself of these truths, and to impart to my sons these truths, so that eventually we can stop worrying about what other people think of us.  Puberty is not that fun; I would like for it to end.

Toren Russel

This is the final part in my four part series on why each of my four boys is my favorite son.  I saved my little guy for last.  Toren Russel was born just over 2 years ago.  He fulfilled my life-long dream to have four boys.  I never thought this dream would be a reality- Matt was certain that he only wanted three.   But I wore him down and I got my fourth boy; two years later than I wanted, but well worth the wait.  Toren means "thunder".   Torey as we call him means "chief".  Russel was my husbands grandfather whom we both looked up to very much.

Toren in his "baff"

Chief Thunder definitely believes he is the boss around our home.  If I thought my oldest was strong-willed,  I only had to meet Toren to understand just how strong-willed someone can be.  But as is the case with Jaden, I am glad Toren has determination.  He will not be swayed by what others think.  He will not follow others on a path that leads to devastation. Now he may lead others down this path, but given Toren's sweet heart I am not too worried.

Toren is sweet.  He is full of kisses, and hugs, especially for his brothers.  Toren talks about his brothers frequently throughout the day.  He will list them all, making sure he doesn't leave anyone out.  Then he will move on to talking about his cousins, his aunt and uncle and ma-ga and papa and his ma-ga and p-pa.  And of course mommy and daddy.  Toren goes through the list of his family members at least 4 or 5 times a day.  This thrills my heart like you cannot imagine.

My little chief is also very playful.  He likes to wrestle and he holds his own.  He also likes to punch you in the face and giggles incessantly when he does.  When you want Toren to come to you, he runs the opposite direction laughing, and he runs and hides when it is time to change his diaper.  Just recently he has learned to climb out of his crib which causes him to squeal with excitement.  Even, when his behavior is frustrating, his laughter and his joy are quite contagious.  What a light he is in our home!

Toren wrestling his "keekee"

No post on my two year old would be complete without mentioning the cute things that he says.  The toddler language, after all, is my very favorite language.  Currently Chief is pulling on my jeans saying, "I ant Mommy's bap" ( I want Mommy's lap).  He also says "sawee mommy" when I catch him doing something naughty.  Toren likes to "weed" books.  He likes the teetee mote (tv remote).  He calls people numb-nuts and knuckle-heads, and pronounces both of these quite clearly.  He loves his "goggies" and his "keekee" (doggies and kitty).  His favorite food is "beeta"(pizza).  And Toren loves his "bippy" (sippy as in sippy-cup).  He has 100 other words, but it would be really boring to list them all.

I sure do love my little guy.  I love all my sons, with a love I did not imagine was possible before motherhood.  They are all so different, handcrafted by a loving Creator.  When I think of my children I think of Psalm 139.

Psalm 139:13-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹³ For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[a]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Owen Scott

I am about a week late in blogging about why Owen Scott is my favorite son.  This means that Cael has been my favorite for two weeks, a fact that will not be lost on him, I'm sure.  Ahhh, well.  Life just gets away from me sometimes.

I have shared before that I prayed for another son for two years before I became pregnant with Owen.  And yes, I did pray for a son.  I love my boys!!  And as with my other boys, I wanted our new baby to have a meaningful name.  Owen means young warrior.   Owen's middle name, Scott,  is my dad's name.

From the time Owen was born, he was my most easy going  child.  He never cried or fussed.  When he became two he was never terrible. Never trying at three.  Never ferocious at four.  He goes with the flow.  Still the this day, there is little complaining that comes from my little Owie.  If I ask him to do something, for the most part, he just does it.

Owen after a "tubing" accident this year.

But make no mistake.  Owen is full of personality.  I have often described Owie as our big ball of joy.  He is rambunctious and his laughter is contagious.  He is my one child who is always in the moment.  He is not thinking about what happened this morning or worrying about what will happen this afternoon.  I wish that I could learn from my son the trick to being fully present.  I think this is what our Lord was describing when he described the abundant life!

Owen is also innocent.  I know he is only six, but he possesses an innocence that my other children didn't at this age.  Maybe it's more of a childlike faith.  He believes what people say to him.  He believes IN people.  And most importantly, He believes  in Jesus.  We often catch him talking to God in his room.  And Owen falls asleep every night listening to a recording of my husband's latest sermon.  (I know there are some good jokes that could be inserted here about my husband, but I will refrain).  Also Owen wants to be a pastor in a Spanish speaking country when he grows up.

Owen and Toren on our recent camping trip.

Owen is a love bug.  He told me that if dad ever breaks up with me, and he doesn't want him to, but if he ever does then Owen will marry me.  But I will have to wait until he is older, he said, because it would be weird to be married at six years old.   Besides loving me, and his dad (which is why he listens to his dads sermons every night), Owen L-O-V-E-S his brothers.  He begs to sleep with his big brothers every night and he spends his mornings trying to play with his little brother.  I say try because sometimes our two year old can be quite ornery with Owen, but Owen doesn't mind.   He is too busy enjoying the moment to worry about holding grudges.

Owen is just about the cutest little thing ever.  He has horrendous fashion sense which I find absurdly funny.  He never, and I do mean never, puts his shoes on the right feet.  He has only one volume- LOUD!!  And he eats his vegetable without complaining which everyone knows is the way to a mom's heart.  I truly cannot imagine my life without Owie.  He brings so much joy into our world!

Caelan Matthew

When I wrote about my son Jaden last week, my 9 year old said, "I always knew he was your favorite." Not to worry, I told him, "you will be my favorite next week."  And so today, I am blogging to tell you why my 9 year old son Caelan Matthew is my favorite son.  At least for this week.

Cael, as we call him, was almost never born.  When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I woke up in a pool of blood.  I went by ambulance to the hospital.  The doctors told me I would be fine, but the baby most certainly would not be.  I was sent home to miscarry.  When it became obvious that the doctor was wrong, we named our son Caelan which means victorious.  Matthew is after my husband, and means Gift of God.  Cael continues to be both of these things.

Cael is a go-getter.  When he wants something, he gets it.  Whether it is 100% on a test, which Cael gets frequently, a goal in soccer, or a particularly difficult rhythm on the drums, Cael works until he gets what he is after.  As someone who is frequently deterred by obstacles, I admire this quality in my middle son.

I also admire Cael's intellect.  He is most definitely a thinker.  At 8 years old, he was asking questions about theology that I didn't wrestle with until college.  He couldn't accept things, as much as he wanted to,  just because he had been told them.  Cael had to understand truth for himself, which I know in the end will create a much stronger faith.

Cael is also a funny kid.  Impeccable comic timing.  Witty.  Hilarious. He makes me laugh out loud just about every time I talk to him.  He and his brothers are planning to be in a band when they get older.  Cael (let me remind you, he is only 9) told me the other day that he was going to be the brother whose picture was tattooed on every girl's butt.  You laughed, didn't you?  Cael is definitely the comic relief around our home.

And he is gentle.  There was no one more excited than Cael to have a baby brother when our Toren was born.  From about the time I was pregnant, Cael asked every day if he could help rock and feed the baby.  He is still the most gentle and patient with his little brother.  He usually has even more patience than me.  Toren is almost 2 and can be quite a handful but Cael dotes on him.  Cael is going to make a great dad in the distant future!

Cael with Toren

A few more things I love about Cael; he is rambunctious, rowdy, a great reader, a great speller.  He loves grammar. When someone uses 'a' when they should use 'an', it bothers Cael.  That's my boy!  He also is willing to try new things.  He is the only one in our family who will eat sushi with my husband.  It gets me off the hook!  Cael is affectionate and sweet.  He has the cutest dimples, and the most mischievous blue eyes.

So that's my Cael.  I cannot imagine our family without him.  What a gift of God he has been!

Jaden Delon

My children hear about their faults all the time.  I don't want to be one of those mothers with her head in the sand thinking my kids are perfect.  You know the kind of mother I am talking about.So anyway, I correct my children constantly, because they, like me, need constant correction.  But I have to be careful that I do not crush their spirits; that besides  correction, I am doling out affection and affirmation..  I remember hearing once that you could tell a good mother, because each of her children thought they were her favorite.  I want this to be my legacy.

In light of this, I thought I would take one blog post each week for the next four weeks to explain why each of my children ARE my favorite. I figured I would start with my oldest, Jaden Delon.  Jaden means "God has heard." I prayed for a little boy, and despite being totally unprepared to be a mother, God gave me Jaden.  Jaden was sensitive from birth, the littlest things would make him upset.  But now that sensitivity makes Jaden a genuinely kind and good person.  He is the first of my children to be upset when someone is being mistreated.  He looks out for those who are weaker in size or intellect.  He befriends people who need a friend.

Jay, as I call him, is extremely strong-willed.   I have worn out the book, How to Raise the Strong-Willed Child.    Jaden knows what he wants and goes for it.  This quality drives me crazy when what he wants is different from what I want.  But truthfully, I am glad he is strong-willed.  He will not be living under my roof forever, and I am confident that when Jaden is grown, he will make the life that he wants for himself.  He won't be hiding behind indecision and insecurity.

Jaden is also brave.  Jaden made a commitment to follow Jesus this year.  And because of that commitment he has faced tremendous pressure at school.   I know my Jaden well enough to know he probably doesn't say much about his religion at school, but the other kids have noticed his devotion anyway. A few of them have been picking on him because of the Christian bracelet he wears.  When Jay told me this, I expected him to not wear his bracelet again.  But do you know what he did?  The next day, he wore his bracelet and a cross necklace.  10 years old.  I am so proud that my son knows what is important and doesn't allow small people to take that from him.

Other things I love about JD (as my two year old calls him).  He is goofy.  He has a cute little smirk that he gives you when he thinks you are semi-funny.  He is loyal.  I don't believe Jaden has a back-biting or gossip bone in his body.  Jaden is honest, if he ever tries to lie, it lasts all of 10 minutes before he is telling you the truth and that he is sorry.  And he is sweet- Jaden blows his dad and I a kiss every morning before school.  How sweet is that?  He is also sentimental and loves tradition.  If we ever try to do things differently for Thanksgiving or Christmas (or Valentine's Day, or St. Patrick's Day, etc) Jaden will set us straight!!

Jaden is a natural leader and a natural singer.  And as his brother Cael says has natural "glamour", a heart-breaker to be sure.  Also Jaden is the only one in my family who indulges me when I am excited about things. The other boys, to include my husband, look at me like I am a completely different species when I get excited about "girly" stuff.   But Jaden lets me be excited and says, "That's cool, mom."

There are really a million things I love about my oldest son. You would probably get bored reading them all. So I will wrap this post up with, he is pretty awesome and I am so thankful he is in our family!!